finn and jane: May 2013

We went to Chicago last Friday. The very first flight for our little boy and the first time I'd been to the city since I was a little girl. It was a special weekend. Our first flight with a baby, the first city trip with a baby and my very first Mother's day.

Finn was a little traveling pro. We played on the plane and when he got sleepy he nursed and slept all the way to and home from the city. He traveled in cabs, in trains, in buses and shuttles and Finn smiled and waved at everyone along the way. He saw boats and fire trucks and bikers and cabs. We walked along the chilly lake and he nursed himself to sleep on a bench while James and I tried to warm up in the sun. We watched the sailboats bounce in the wavy water and James held my hand and rubbed Finn's little back.

I couldn't stop tearing up all day Sunday. Waking up in our king size bed in downtown Chicago with my little boy sleeping soundly between me and my husband was a little bit surreal. James brought coffee and bagels to bed and him and Finn gave me the sweetest card and the sweetest gifts. We walked around the windy (and chilly) city all morning and when we got sleepy we came back to the room and all took a nap. We went to Millenium park and took pictures in The Bean with the Chicago skyline behind us as Finn leaned his head back and looked up at the buildings and clouds. When Finn fell asleep for the night we ordered in deep dish pizza and watched the city light up outside our window.

We had such a fun trip. Walking around a city felt so good. I miss walking to get everywhere we need to be. When James worked on Monday and it was just Finn and I exploring Michigan Avenue I wished for a second that we were in New York where I know the parks and museums and playgrounds so well. I liked Chicago, but I'll always love NY.

It was funny pushing a stroller through the stoplights and sidewalks. It felt as if I was back in my old job nannying little noodle. But this time when I looked down I didn't see a little girl looking up at me. I saw my own baby boy. This little boy who wakes up in the morning and pulls himself to standing on his crib and when I slowly open the door screams with laughter. This boy who is so strong willed already and full of opinion and attitude and isn't even speaking yet. This boy who I promised to protect and love and keep safe from the moment I saw him.

You give up certain things becoming a mother. You give up time you had to yourself. Time alone with your husband. Time to go out at night. Time to even shower. You give up sleep, you give up your body, you give up the freedom to be careless. You make these sacrifices unknowingly because when they place the baby in your arms that you have grown from love and passion you instantly feel changed. You have transformed into someone new. Without trying, without forcing yourself, you have become converted. You have become a mom.

Finnegan Scott, I would give everything up one million times to be your mom. The luckiest job. The greatest rewards. The best benefits. Seeing you smile, hearing your laugh, watching you grow. I am so, so lucky to be your mama.