every night while i'm nursing finn in his room before i put him down for bed i look him in the eyes and i say three things to him. he stares up at me with his sleepy eyes and he knows they're coming. he even nods his head "yes".
I tell him,
you are such a nice boy.
i am so lucky to be your mama.
every day you make me happy.
if he hears just one more thing before he goes to sleep for the night i like that that is what he hears. because it's true. and because i think telling him that he is a good boy might reinforce the fact that he really, truly is a good boy and that he will grow up believing that he is a nice person, and that he makes me happy every day and that i am lucky to be his mom. because it is really, really true.
my dad said the other day that finn is so sweet sometimes it makes you want to cry. When he drops something he says "oh, sorry mama". The other day he was playing with james outside and he tripped and fell in the garage and he was trying so hard not to cry and he said "i'm so sorry dada". James told him you don't have to be sorry about that. He tells him that often. He says don't be sorry about that finn, just be sorry when you do something wrong or if you hurt someone's feeling. He tries to explain instances when you feel sorry you say sorry- and I know that when finn falls, or when he drops the ball, or when he does something that makes him feel a different emotion he isn't quite sure how to explain, he says "i'm sorry". it does make you want to cry. it makes you want to squeeze him and kiss him and tell him you love him (in which he now says, I love you too- which makes you want to start crying all over again).
he hasn't been sleeping well. he wakes up around three in the morning and stands in the corner of the crib and yells for me. the other night james went in to try and put him back in and finn said "where'd my mama go?? i wanna see mama. take me to mama's bed!!" and it took all i had in me not to go in there and swoop him up and rock him by his bookshelf and kiss his forehead. but i know that james likes to be needed by finn. he likes to try and put him down and be the one to hold that sleeping body and rub his warm little back. (finn ended up in our bed anyway).
i think that's one of my favorite parts of motherhood. when finn comes in our bed around 5 in the morning after we slept all night but we're all still tired and he falls back asleep with ease. he's in the middle and james is rubbing his back and i have my arm draped over finn and i'm touching james's back and we've made this little enclosure of protection and love around finn. a little canopy of safeness. the sky is starting to lighten and the birds are starting to talk and james has an hour before he has to get up for work and finn has his arms over his head now and his eyes are closed so softly that they look like they might be opening and i look around our little room and think of our little house and our little family and i wish that i could pause this time. sheer bliss. pure satisfaction.
