i was in labor for 36 hours before my son was born.
i was eleven days late.
later, when he was two years old, sitting over soup at lunch
just the two of us i would ask him,
"do you remember being in my belly?"
and he'd respond quickly "yes, it was like being in a sewer"
in the hospital, when it was time to push, i remember looking out the window and noticed a white butterfly go by.
after 30 minutes, i finally held my boy on my chest, new, and wet, and slippery.
i looked at the window and the butterfly was pushing against the glass.

sometimes its like being with a best friend, one who shares your dna which means infinite dances with the best and worst parts of yourself. it's good! i mess up and apologize often and they're a gift during this time. and they ask questions i can't answer and have interests outside of my influence and i'm still screaming for them to stay right where they are, don't grow up. which is crazy, too, because i don't want that. i want them to try everything and to go everywhere and be weird and wild and always be able to find a path back to us. small people blooming.

james

he's strong and calm and steady. when our fridge broke, when our sump broke. when our air conditioner broke, all at once that one summer- he stayed calm.
driving through the mountains of west virginia in a snow storm, in the middle of the night, with two sleeping babies in the backseat, he stayed calm.
when i was in labor and wanting an epidural and there was no one available to give it to me, and then ready to give birth and the doctor on call didn't make it to the hospital on time, he was calm. we didn't find out if we were having a boy or girl, and when the nurse said "your daughter is here" i had to look at him and i asked him if we were dreaming.
and now, during a global pandemic- he's calm.

i am taking into account all the little details that make him who he is. the way he bites his lower lip when he's thinking. i watch him while he drives, the trees behind him blurring through the window and his lower lip in his mouth.

all the parts that make him who he is that only i know. like the fingernail on his left hand that he cracked and it never healed properly. or the way his left ear is missing a little bit of cartilage at the top. or the freckles that cover his shoulder, the ones i kiss every time i see them.

and the parts of him emotionally that no one sees. the way he smiles so big that he almost cries when something makes him happy enough. or the way he cried into my shoulder that one afternoon in the bathroom, our kids were eating lunch at the kitchen table outside the door, and he leaned into me and cried.

or the one morning when i called him from work in a panic and he came home immediately. we sat on the living room floor and he said no matter what happens, we'd be okay. and he was right.

i often think about the morning i was going to be induced with our son. on the way to the hospital we held hands quietly. we packed our bags like we were going on vacation. we were driving into another life, we just didn't realize it yet. but in the midst of anxiousness and uncertainty, what was there, and what still remains with him, is the quiet buzz of rightness when he is around.

finn

bathing my son in the bathtub-
a rare occurrence now that he likes to shower more.
i dip his head underneath the faucet, holding him in my hand.
his face relaxes under the water. "you're beautiful" i whisper.
"no mom, i'm cute"
we lay under covers together- he takes longer to fall asleep these days.
i hold him tightly and wonder who he'd go to if it wasn't me.
when he's disappointed and needs consoled in a way i know best.
when he's nervous about something and needs me to hug him silently.
when he slips and falls down the last couple steps.
when he loses something and only i know where it is.
and when after the bath, he brushes his teeth and kisses me goodnight and every time i am the one to wipe the toothpaste from the corners of his perfect, delightful little mouth.

written august 10,2008

will I look back at my time in new york and only think of the good? years from now? i hope so. when our biggest dilemmas ranged from who was going to buy some beer, money running out on our metro cards, faking not being hungover at work, and one wardrobe malfunction with whit one late night on the F train. will i look back at the six floor walk up and smile? thinking about the time i hung our cheap curtains in my underwear because we didn't have air conditioning and it was 96 degrees out. We hung a sombrero on the wall and danced to joe cocker all night. i hope years from now i look back at these moments tucked away in some nostalgically lit corner of my full but exhausted adult heart. and i hope that i laugh especially hard about all of our late night conversations we had wondering what we should do with our lives.

"we used to be wild- don't let them tame you" he said to me one night at that little bar with the fluorescent light behind his head and i didn't know what he meant, but i listened to him anyway because he felt like he had something to tell me. that night we didn't go home. we drove to his dad's lake house and all of us sat around a bonfire in plastic white chairs and we threw bottle caps into the flames as the sky lightened. i went in and slept on the couch and he came and sat next to me and held my hand for a minute and then got up and slept somewhere else. maybe on the floor. maybe he didn't sleep at all.

when we woke up hours later he drove me home. his car was loud and there was dew on the grass and i remember looking over at him and i knew i wouldn't see him again.

fsg

i can't grasp the feelings i had when i was longing for you. almost like a fevered dream- what's real and what's delusion.
i had an image in my mind when i was pregnant with you, i imagined you as a little girl. i'm sure i said i was going to be the strongest mother.
the most fair.
the most creative and original.
we had the ultrasound and found out i was pregnant with a boy and though we hid it well, there was a ping of disappointment and then immediate guilt. the first feeling that i can't control.
two minutes later the doctor is in the room expressing concern of a cyst on your brain that could clear up in the next two weeks, and we'll check again.
the next two weeks a blurry haze. fog filled my mind. i went to the library and immersed myself in medical books i couldn't understand looking for answers that my doctor didn't tell me.
one night i parked my car under a full moon and it was so close and so bright that it made me feel i could reach out and take whatever i wanted. and all i wanted was for you to be healthy.
i kept one hand on my stomach at all times, willing and wishing for clarity. thinking i can't reach you but can you feel me? can you feel it?
i'm sorry for expecting someone else. all i want is you. you are all that i want.
two weeks and it had cleared and gone. and i cried with happiness. i promised to do good for you.
and now here we are knee deep in real life and i can't take the title of the mother i wanted to be some days.
challenges and change and i can't protect you from it all but i have to try and am i doing a good enough job? can you be compassionate and kind. and what about that one boy in your class that cries every morning for his mom? do you ever go up to him and say it's okay? i need you to be that person, but when we talked about it once you said he yelled at you and you never tried again. but i need you to try one more time.
because next year in a school of uncertainties and newness, if you're scared and want me, i need there to be one boy who comes up to you and says it's okay.
did you know the first year of your life was the best of mine? we spent that first summer month in our new little house and the upstairs was hot and i'd nurse you in bed and you'd leave sweat on my forearm.
i'd watch you sleep and dream and we'd play records in the bedroom and we listened to tom waits one morning and your eyes got so big. you really heard it.
we'd go in the back yard and i'd drag a little mattress out and we'd lay underneath the big oak tree that grows right outside your window. you'd follow the leaves in the wind.
you need me much less now. and the bike rides and walks around the block and wimpy playground with the little bridge you once ran across with adventure and wildness now feels mundane and boring.
you find excitement in different places now. even if it's not what i expected. you're all yourself.
but then, at night, after your little sister is rocked to sleep, and the sky is getting darker, i find you in your room and kiss your head and every time you whisper sweetly, "can you lay with me?" and so i crawl under your sheets and you wrap your arm around my neck and breathing into me you fall asleep. and i want to run away from everything and keep you small, but i don't tell you that because you might try harder for me.
and this is for you.