he's always known

it's still one of my favorite parts of motherhood. finn waking up right before the sun comes up, still tired and ready to sleep, coming into our bed and falling back asleep in between the two of us. the three of us fitting on that little bed, and, with surprise, somehow comfortably. he talks now when he first comes in. he asks questions about what we've been dreaming about or what that noise was, or what day it is. and then, like this morning, he turns over, grabs my face with his soft little hands, and falls back asleep.

i stared at his face this morning. the nightlight that we use  when he comes in our room shining behind me. there's still nothing sweeter than a sleeping baby. or little boy.

and he is a little boy now. everyone says the two's are terrible. but no one warns you about the threes. james and i stare at each other and try not to laugh at times. he can be so tough. he can argue like a grown man, and debate like he's been practicing his entire life. he doesn't give up easily. he doesn't like to be helped when he's learning something new, most of the time, but gets frustrated when he isn't quite sure what to do. he is persistent and doesn't forget a thing. and he can hurt your feelings in a second, and then the next realize what he's done and come and wrap his arms around you and kiss you.  and then he's sweet. and sensitive. and understanding. and full of emotions and ideas and theories. his imagination always surprises me and his sense of humor always right on. he's natural and intuitive.

intuitive in the way he knew. i took that pregnancy test a couple months ago to find a positive plus appear in the little box. it was five am, on a weekend vacation with our family, and i crawled back in bed and woke up james, who smiled so big in the dark i could see it. and the next night back at home, i pulled finn out of the bathtub and he looked me in the eyes and said, "there's a baby in your belly".

he just knew.