When I was pregnant with Finn, James and I would often talk about which one of us he would look like. We would lay on the couch late at night and imagine whose eyes he would have. Whose toes and hands. When Finn was born I held him against my bare chest and looked at him and deep down felt I knew him. That was one of the first things I said to the slippery and new Finn, "I know you".
We had imagined him to be made up of different parts of us that all came together at once but this screaming baby was someone all his own.
Even still people stop and ask "who does he look like?" And I never know what to say. I don't see physical parts of either James or myself in Finnegan. But on some days when it is quiet in the afternoon I will see him with such determination to complete a task and I can see James in his eyes. I can see him thinking in his mind what the next step he will take will be and I know he gets that from his father. This gentle calmness that he uses to get something done. And then some days I will catch a glimpse of myself. In the morning when Finn wakes up and yells for me. He knows what he wants and he wants it. Now. He is ready and though his patience is wearing thin he is not crying. He is shouting for me. And when I walk into his room and kiss him good morning his face lights up with adventure and drama and I think- he is just like me.
I hope that he grows to be a calm mixture. His dad who is the moon and his mom who is the sun. His dad who is gentle, quiet, softly lit and his mom who is fiery, hot and burning sometimes.
Saturday, August 24, 2013
The dahlias are coming. The same dahlias we planted last year in the early summer months to grow ourselves and use for our wedding. We prayed they would not bloom too early or too late. We wished ill to any bug or bunny that was looking for something to snack on. "Please bloom" I would whisper to the plants while watering. They started blooming a week before the wedding. They were so beautiful and perfect and they were all ours. We didnt buy them from a florist or a wedding planner, we had gotten down on our hands and knees and planted the bulbs and we had cut the buds back when it was time and we had staked them properly and watered them when they were thirsty and they had bloomed beautifully.
This year I didn't get to work on them as much. I didn't snip the buds back when they first started sprouting and we didn't fertilize or water or whisper to them as much like last year- but they are still growing. Finn and I go look at them in the morning and I try to snip some of the overgrown leaves off but Finn is now picking tomatoes from the plants and he's gotten his feet tangled in the twine I use to stake them upright and now he's chasing a bird that has flown down to the feeder for lunch so I leave the dahlias to fend for themselves. I have a little one year old who I am going to explore with so the dahlias might have to wait until bedtime for some attention. And even then if I am too tired I think they won't be mad. I think they will still look beautiful in the morning. I think they will still remind me of that evening in September last year. I think they will still remind me of love.
|from our wedding|
Thursday, August 22, 2013
"while you were sleeping
the babies grew
the stars shined and the shadows moved
time flew "
the babies grew
the stars shined and the shadows moved
time flew "
I thought this summer would go quickly but I wasn't aware of just how fast it would go.
Lake Erie. Kayaking early morning with James. Swimming in Aunt Sis's pool for the first time with Finnegan. Him floating in that little raft with the canopy over his head, laughing at me dancing in the water.
Trip to Fairport for the fourth of July fireworks. Finn's first dip in Lake Erie. The waves crashing on his little feet and the floppy hat blowing off in the wind. He wasn't sure about the sand but never whined and complained. Just walked a little slower holding our hands. The fireworks that night, I was sure they would wake him up but he slept soundly above the noisy streets in grandma gable's little yellow room. When he woke up in the morning I opened the blinds and he stood up looking at that big lake outside her windows.
Camping trip to the Allegheny River. We packed up with pop-up and brought our bikes and boat to the river to spend the weekend. We slept together in that little pop-up while it stormed all night and the rain sounded like little metal pellets on a tin roof. We took Finn for his first boat ride in the fishing boat and we caught his very first smallmouth together. We had bonfires and s'mores and went on bike rides. And Finn's very favorite part- throwing rock after rock into the river's clear spring water.
All of our bike rides. In Mill Creek, on the Greenway trail, in our neighborhood after dinner where we would pedal to Dairy Queen (I got sprinkled twist, James got butterscotch dip, and Finn got a plain cone. And he was happy!).
Our early morning walks just Finn and me. We would walk our route around the neighborhood. Sometimes stopping at Wittenauers for a coffee but always stopping at our playground. There are no baby swings so he sits on my lap and we swing together. Then we run to that big slide and go down together. Then we run across the bridge together. Then we kick the ball in the big field together. I show him the way the leaves move when the wind blows. I show him the moon that is sometimes still out above us.
The first birthday celebration of Finnegan Scott Gable. July 21st. I thought back to a year earlier all throughout day. I thought back to when James and I went to the hospital that Friday morning. We had our bags packed like we were going on an overnight trip. We were both quiet and held each other's hand. So unaware of what would entail in the next 36 hours.
A sweet party with our family and balls. Lots and lots of balls for the birthday boy. Your favorite toy. You started walking the week before your birthday. You took a few steps from me to your dad and then one morning you just woke up and you were off. You kept your hands in the air to help steady you and you laughed and smiled the entire time. My heart was bursting.
Our summer vacation to Deep Creek where we spent one full week in a big lake house with my entire family. The first family vacation we have all attended since In 14 years. It was so special.
Oh summer, I am so mad at you. I'm so disappointed that I have foolishly let you go by so quickly. But at the same time I am so thankful and happy and overwhelmed with love for you. You have given me such perfect memories. You have made my little family so happy. We have introduced our magical little boy to so many "firsts" in your sunshine and warmth.
I will never forget you.
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
We just returned from a week vacation in Deep Creek, Maryland. We rented a big lake house for our entire family and we all spent six days fishing, swimming, boating, eating, playing and laughing. We had such a nice trip. We took Finn on the kayak, on a pontoon boat, hiking in Swallow Falls, driving through the hills of Maryland, swimming in the cool lake water, sleeping in the king size bed and having a blast with his grammy and papa and uncles and aunt. It's always a little sad to come home from vacation. Takes a couple days to get back into the routine of things, but it is also pretty nice to come back to our lovely little home. Finn was clapping when we opened the door.