Tuesday, May 6, 2014

breathe


but what about the scary moments? the things that you can't change and you can't control. what about the first day i send finn off on the school bus. will he have somewhere to sit? will he make a friend right away? will he be homesick.

what about the even scarier moments. when finn is older. how can i protect him from the scary parts of life. from the downfalls and the heartbreaks and the pain?


and what about the even scarier moments than those? when he is on his own and walking through a city late at night- or when he is about to take a step into the street and he's not paying attention- how can i be there then?

when i was 14 i was playing basketball outside with my little brother and he was dunking and i kept saying "be careful. don't do that. you might get hurt" and he looked at me and said "when did you become so scared?". and i laughed but then it hit me- growing up had turned me into a worrier.

and if you think that you can't turn into any more of a worrier- become a mom.

i read the most heartbreaking story this morning. i found it online- one of the many blogs in the mommy blogging world- and something in me said to stop. i thought to myself " do not read this" and then i kept going. and when i was finished i had to catch my breath and stare at my son on his monitor taking a nap safely in his room and feel thankful, and feel blessed, and feel sad, and feel lucky, and feel a million other emotions that i can't control. it was so sad. i can't think about it anymore.

when finn wakes up and yells for me with his raspy, sleepy lungs, i will go into his room and pick him up and squeeze him and smell his neck, and kiss his cheeks. i'll study his face and his fingers and hands. i'll bring him in my bed and nurse and lay with him while we listen to the lawn mowers and the school buses dropping off the kids from the middle school and i'll scratch my son's back the way he likes  and i'll try not to worry.


and i'll try not to worry.


Thursday, May 1, 2014

dear james



dear james.

i had a thought this morning when i was walking through poland woods with finnegan and he was picking up every rock on the damp ground and i was looking at the bluebells that are starting to bloom and we watched a hawk fly above the trees looking for breakfast.

i thought about when our kids are grown and older what i'd like to do with you. when our babies are having their own babies and our bodies have changed with age and we have smile lines, i thought about the trips that i hope we take together. i imagine us. I think we'll leave some time after thanksgiving when we have gotten together with our families that have grown.

you know the first place i decided we should go? mexico. like the very first trip we ever took together. it was almost two months into our relationship and you asked me to go to a wedding with you. i look back at those pictures now and think how unsuspecting i was. i just said yes! you said you would take care of everything else. and you did. how lucky.

i decided this morning that we'll go back to mexico. except we won't go back to that resort- i think we'll try something different.

we'll go to a fishing town in campeche. my friend traveled there over a year ago and it sounds just right for us. we can rent a big house on the beach in the middle on nowhere. we'll stay right on the shore. we'll be one of the very few people around.

you'll try your luck at fishing in the evening and i'll make dinner and bring it down to the beach. we'll eat on a blanket we found in one of the closets of the home. you'll tell me to make a few casts because you always want me to catch a fish. you like to watch me laugh with excitement as i'm reeling.

we'll watch the sun set and i'll think about our children miles away tucking their own babies into their beds and finally getting to sit down at the end of their long day. the days that we once were living. the moon will come up when the sun sets and we'll stay on the beach until i get cold and then we'll go back up to our house and fall asleep on the sturdy bed that is close to the floor.

you might fall asleep first after you whisper "goodnight jane" and then i'll fall asleep soon after. while i'm dreaming i might wake up in the middle of the night and get out of bed. you'll ask me where i'm going and i'll tell you i'm going to get a glass of water.

the next morning i'll tell you the truth. i thought i heard our finnegan yelling for his mama from inside his crib. like i did all those nights many years ago.