Thursday, May 1, 2014

dear james



dear james.

i had a thought this morning when i was walking through poland woods with finnegan and he was picking up every rock on the damp ground and i was looking at the bluebells that are starting to bloom and we watched a hawk fly above the trees looking for breakfast.

i thought about when our kids are grown and older what i'd like to do with you. when our babies are having their own babies and our bodies have changed with age and we have smile lines, i thought about the trips that i hope we take together. i imagine us. I think we'll leave some time after thanksgiving when we have gotten together with our families that have grown.

you know the first place i decided we should go? mexico. like the very first trip we ever took together. it was almost two months into our relationship and you asked me to go to a wedding with you. i look back at those pictures now and think how unsuspecting i was. i just said yes! you said you would take care of everything else. and you did. how lucky.

i decided this morning that we'll go back to mexico. except we won't go back to that resort- i think we'll try something different.

we'll go to a fishing town in campeche. my friend traveled there over a year ago and it sounds just right for us. we can rent a big house on the beach in the middle on nowhere. we'll stay right on the shore. we'll be one of the very few people around.

you'll try your luck at fishing in the evening and i'll make dinner and bring it down to the beach. we'll eat on a blanket we found in one of the closets of the home. you'll tell me to make a few casts because you always want me to catch a fish. you like to watch me laugh with excitement as i'm reeling.

we'll watch the sun set and i'll think about our children miles away tucking their own babies into their beds and finally getting to sit down at the end of their long day. the days that we once were living. the moon will come up when the sun sets and we'll stay on the beach until i get cold and then we'll go back up to our house and fall asleep on the sturdy bed that is close to the floor.

you might fall asleep first after you whisper "goodnight jane" and then i'll fall asleep soon after. while i'm dreaming i might wake up in the middle of the night and get out of bed. you'll ask me where i'm going and i'll tell you i'm going to get a glass of water.

the next morning i'll tell you the truth. i thought i heard our finnegan yelling for his mama from inside his crib. like i did all those nights many years ago.

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