Tuesday, May 6, 2014

breathe


but what about the scary moments? the things that you can't change and you can't control. what about the first day i send finn off on the school bus. will he have somewhere to sit? will he make a friend right away? will he be homesick.

what about the even scarier moments. when finn is older. how can i protect him from the scary parts of life. from the downfalls and the heartbreaks and the pain?


and what about the even scarier moments than those? when he is on his own and walking through a city late at night- or when he is about to take a step into the street and he's not paying attention- how can i be there then?

when i was 14 i was playing basketball outside with my little brother and he was dunking and i kept saying "be careful. don't do that. you might get hurt" and he looked at me and said "when did you become so scared?". and i laughed but then it hit me- growing up had turned me into a worrier.

and if you think that you can't turn into any more of a worrier- become a mom.

i read the most heartbreaking story this morning. i found it online- one of the many blogs in the mommy blogging world- and something in me said to stop. i thought to myself " do not read this" and then i kept going. and when i was finished i had to catch my breath and stare at my son on his monitor taking a nap safely in his room and feel thankful, and feel blessed, and feel sad, and feel lucky, and feel a million other emotions that i can't control. it was so sad. i can't think about it anymore.

when finn wakes up and yells for me with his raspy, sleepy lungs, i will go into his room and pick him up and squeeze him and smell his neck, and kiss his cheeks. i'll study his face and his fingers and hands. i'll bring him in my bed and nurse and lay with him while we listen to the lawn mowers and the school buses dropping off the kids from the middle school and i'll scratch my son's back the way he likes  and i'll try not to worry.


and i'll try not to worry.


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