about a boat

my husband is so calm. i haven't quite figured out how he is so calm. when our electricity went out this morning at four am and our little house started to heat up and i was worried about the food in the fridge,   and whether or not it would come back on today, and then finn woke up when his sound machine stopped, i shook james to wake him up and told him that our power was out.  he sat up and said "oh, that's ok. it'll go back on" and that was it.
and he was right. it was on within the hour.

or like the other morning when he got a phone call when we were on our way home from gigi's and it was his friend with some pretty terrible news about his boat that he borrowed to take on a trip to montana. james was on the phone and i could hear the concern in his voice. when he got off the phone i was expecting him to say they broke a fishing rod, or they lost his anchor but instead he looked at me with sad eyes and said they accidentally sunk his boat.

his reaction on the phone was sensible, and caring and mature.
i instantly started crying.

and that's the difference, or one of the differences, about me and him. i react instantly and strongly, the feelings inside me come pouring out, i can't contain them. i say things without thinking and i overreact quick. james is responsible with his words, he controls his actions by thinking about them first, and he is really, really calm.

"aren't you so upset!?" i said trying to stop the tears.

"i'm thankful everyone is ok. and i'm sad" he replied

on the drive home i thought about his boat. the boat he named jane. the boat we trolled down the allegheny river in together when we were dating. he cooked us hotdogs on his little grill and we talked about the future. we talked about the kids we wanted one day, wondered if we would stay in town or move away. "i don't have a final plan" i told him feeling a little worried and frustrated. "you don't have to. just keep me in the one you have" he said.

or the time we took the boat to oak orchard and stayed in a tent on lake ontario. the first salmon trip.

or the time we pulled the boat to zoar valley in new york. the first weekend getaway as a married couple. finn was just two months old. it was too cold and rainy for finn on the boat so him and i stayed tucked away in the cabin and we watched james down below in the river looking for those salmon. he waved to us as he pulled away from the dock. i remember calling him my husband on that trip. i remember a sleepy, newborn finn wanting to nurse all day and taking him for his first hike. his eyes were big and blue looking at the trees.

or the first time finn went out on the boat. we were camping for the weekend and we weren't sure how he would adjust to being on the little boat. we decided to try a short float but once we got on the water he became relaxed and still and watched the water splashing softly and we caught his first smallmouth together. we ended up spending the afternoon the three of us, trolling all the way down the river and back to camp.



so we spent this past week in a little funk. james calling people in montana, checking on the water status of the river and feeling helpless about his boat underwater. we said we can both picture her underwater, the river's current flowing overtop of her steady.

he believes we'll get her back. the water level will drop and the guys he's working with out west will be able to pull her out. depending on the damage, she might be able to be repaired or we might have to say goodbye. whatever happens i suspect james will handle it with manners and consideration. like always.