some fall

not my favorite season, but so far it's been pretty good. 

to the oak

back to the spot james took me when we first started dating. we slept in a tent on lake ontario and drove to the river early in the morning while the fog was still burning off and james warmed my hands up with his.

we came back again with our two month old finnegan after our wedding. finn and i watched james pulling up to the dock in the cold and waving to us to come down to see the fish he caught. we laid the fish on the dock and put finn next to them- they were bigger than our baby.

this time we came back just the two of us. excited and a little nervous to leave our son. "it's finn's vacation, too" my dad kept saying. we went on the new boat. we cooked dinner late and drank a lot of beer. we slept in and sat on the porch rocking chairs looking down to the water. we spent most of the time fishing. james catching three or four and i got one. the biggest one i've ever caught. we couldn't stop laughing by the time i reeled her in and then tried holding her.

after my fish i made james get off the boat and we drove to the nearest dive bar by the lake for celebratory whiskey shots and some hoppy IPAs. we laughed at how bad i am at drinking now. feeling tipsy just from two beers. we got back on the water before sunset and trolled down the river closer to our cabin. the sky was getting dark and we were the only ones on the water. i'm thankful for my husbands love of the water, and fishing, and for planning a couple nights for the two of us, in one of his most favorite places. and for reassuring me our boy was perfectly fine when i started getting bits of panic throughout the trip. "relax jane" he'd say smiling. thank you james.

when we got home sunday afternoon finn ran into my arms and wouldn't let go. he was laughing the sweetest little giggle into my neck and when i said i missed you, he replied "i missed you too, mama".

"look grammy! my mama came back" he yelled.

james didn't stop rubbing his little head.

And a happy boy we're home 

bukowski

i remember sneaking into my parents room and seeing his books by the side of their bed on my dad's side. i would open one, careful not to lose the page my dad left off on, and i would read his poems quietly. i knew his words were heavy and often times there were things i didn't understand. but it was real and it was alarming and there were swear words and wild stories involving alcohol and women and anger and bitterness, but in the mist of his words there would be a line filled with hope and desire and throughout everything, truth.

my dad would take business trips to nyc when i was in high school and i would almost always go with him. during one trip we were walking around downtown and stumbled on the landmark sunshine theater. they happened to be showing a bukowski documentary that was starting in ten minutes. we went in and i watched with complete awe and suspense. he was so wild. and so sad. and so angry. and so real. and so funny. he was so troubled. but he was a genius. with the grainy black and white film on and my dad next to me in the middle of manhattan, i watched this man and for some reason, felt hopeful.

while pregnant with finn i would read bukowski inbetween the stack of parenting and labor and birthing books i had beside my bed. when i would get tired of reading advice on how to swaddle a baby and the correct way to hold an infant while nursing, i would pick up a bukowski book and read a few poems. the one that i would read over and over and over was bluebird. he would always make me feel better, even if at the time he was feeling much worse.

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say, stay in there, I'm not going
to let anybody see
you.
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I pour whiskey on him and inhale
cigarette smoke
and the whores and the bartenders
and the grocery clerks
never know that
he's
in there.

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say,
stay down, do you want to mess
me up?
you want to screw up the
works?
you want to blow my book sales in
Europe?
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too clever, I only let him out
at night sometimes
when everybody's asleep.
I say, I know that you're there,
so don't be
sad.
then I put him back,
but he's singing a little
in there, I haven't quite let him
die
and we sleep together like
that
with our
secret pact
and it's nice enough to
make a man
weep, but I don't
weep, do
you? 

charles bukowski.

what finn says

me: i really want to see that movie
finn: and i really wanna see light up balls  

finn: what you up to mama? like..whats up?

me: thank you for helping me clean up
finn: it's not a problem

finn on nursing: babies nurse. and big boys nurse too really. but dada's don't. they have no boobs.

talking to james about driving: you drive your car in the dark. the moon goes with you so you aren't scared.

me: what do you want to be for halloween?
finn: benny. but mama, how you gonna make me taller?

every night when we sit down for dinner and he starts the conversation: soooooooo....how was your day dada?

finn on fog: something burning! that's smoke.
me: no, that's fog.
finn: what's fog? let me call dada. my dada knows everything.

on waking up crabby: i just need pancakes. that will make me feel better.

me:you have some nice scooter tricks, finn.
finn: totally dude.

finn to james: i'm just so happy you're here.

To me and james: i like you guys 

keaton henson- in the morning

finn fell asleep on me slow dancing in the kitchen to this song. he hasn't done that in a long time. listening on repeat with a heavy toddler dreaming on my shoulder. his body calm and warm.

"I know every mark on your hand"     my most favorite lyric.

                                                           

Empty pack of cigarettes by the bed
You woke up and looked at me and you said,
"Hey, Keaton, is it morning yet?"
No, we have a couple hours left
And god knows what will happen then

And there may be questions in your head
As a new day is dawning
Like what things for us lie ahead
But woman, I will see you in the morning
And woman, I will see you in the morning

And I know every mark on your hand
Perhaps you'd like me more if I was still in a band
But you know the crowds unsettle me
These days I'd play for free
Baby, please don't look at me
Like that

And there may be questions in your head
As a new day is dawning
Like what things for us lie ahead
And woman, I will see you in the morning
Oh woman, I will see you in the morning
Oh woman, I will see you in the morning

Morning