Saturday, March 21, 2015

dear james

Dear James,
you're away. on business. the first trip that you have had to go on in months. before, you were traveling often around this time of the year, and you kept telling me it won't always be like this. i remember you leaving for a week when finn was a month old. everything still felt so new with finn, i was shaking when you pulled out of the driveway. leaving the two of us standing by the front door of our new little house, i was so nervous watching you go.
now you go away and finn and i fall into our routine. we've been keeping ourselves busy. especially with the opening of the studio, finn has been such a trooper. getting dropped off with your parents, then picked up and dropped off again with my parents. he has such a good spirit, going along with flow, and usually crying each time he has to leave somewhere. he's just like me, terrible with saying good bye. i looked at him in the rearview mirror this morning and could tell he was thinking about something, he makes the same face you do when you're deep in thought. your eyes narrow and your get a little crease between your eyebrows. "mama" he said softly, "dada will come back to you. he will come back to you."
finn has been doing something new the past few days. he's been very concerned about how i am feeling. driving in the car a slow song came on and he asked, "does this song make you sad, mama?" or last night after we got off the phone with you he came up to me and said "you can't kiss dada. are you sad?" it's a new thing with him, asking about how i am feeling. i kind of love it, too. you know how i always like to describe my feelings. you said i'm the only person you know who thinks about the way they are feeling as much as i do. i can't help it.
i've noticed something else with him the past few days. he's turning more into a little boy and less like a toddler. last night i kissed him good, i really pressed my lips hard into his smooth little cheek, and squeezed him. he pulled away and i watched him wipe the kiss off. and you know about him wanting to do everything on his own. this morning, while rushing to get out of the house, he had to walk down each step on his own. every time i held my hand out for him to grab it he pushed it away. in the midst of trying to run out of the house, he made me slow down and watch him, foot by foot, make his way down those twelve steps. he doesn't want to hold my hand more often now. it's kind of a shock.
but then there are times when he still seems like our baby. like early this morning, when he came into our bed at four, and moved in close to me and whispered, "snuggle me, mama" and i wrapped my arms around him and pulled him even closer. he fell asleep and when i looked at his face i pictured him when he was just a couple months old. his little belly rising and falling slowly.
it's hard to believe he'll be three years old in a few months.
i hear him waking up from his nap now. any second he'll start to yell for me. over and over until he hears me close to his door. i haven't told you, but each time he wakes up, unsure of what day it is, he's asked if you are home. "is dada back home now?" he says, his eyes wide and serious. "not yet, but soon" I tell him. we can't wait.

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