all of it

milk breathed. less milk. still asleep on my lap- the indentation of her ear on my forearm when i lay her down to nap . the outline clear and vivid.
the words get stuck. we feel stuck inside- the snow keeps coming. she opens her window shade in the morning- stretching to reach- " there's more snow, mama. go away snow" she whispers because she knows how much i dislike it. the sun was shining today, through the car window lighting up her little face. she asked if it was summer. i took a photo of her.  her one leg was stretched out so straight and long and her eyes so blue. sent it to her dad and he replied "she's ours".
she's so full of everything. life, love, emotion, laughter, she feels so much. she gets that from me. when she's happy she's overjoyed. when she's sad, she breaks. and it takes her some time to come back. finn was easier to distract back to happiness, she holds on to it with steadiness. like when she used to hold my hand in the car to fall asleep. i'd reach back and she'd hold my hand with both of hers. when she'd drift off i'd try and pull my hand away and she'd still be holding on tightly.
she calls her brother buddy now. or bud. or finnyboy. and she has to kiss him goodnight.
i never wanted to get married. i never dreamt about a wedding or a dress, or venue, or guests. but i have always wanted to be a mom. it's the only thing that i was always sure about.