Tuesday, December 30, 2014

a year in numbers

dear james,
a quick summary of just some of our 2014....

4 summer camping trips. we found our new spot. finn reeled in his first fish alone standing on a rock while the sun set and the sky turned gold. 1 tiny bluegill.

1 trip away from my guys for 4 nights. the longest i'd ever been away from finn. i called him one night when you were rocking him to sleep and i heard his breathing get faster and then he was trying so hard not to cry that he couldn't talk.

1 broken refrigerator.
1 broken sump pump.
1 broken air conditioner.
and 1 nervous breakdown from me. after the fridge broke, which was the last of the three to go, you went to the gas station for bags of ice and i sat on the kitchen floor and cried. finn came into the kitchen and without saying anything sat next to me. you came home and we filled up every cooler we owned with food and kept everything in the garage. later that night we laughed and pretended we were camping, going to the cooler to get milk for finn.

1 vacation trip to the lake with your family. your parents, your grandma gable/gigi, your sister and brothers and their families.  4 rowdy little boys under the age of 5, playing where you played as a little boy. running down the same hill beneath the lighthouse, faster than their little legs ever moved before.

the celebration of gigi's 85th birthday. remember at the end of happy birthday before she blew out her candles she said, "thank you. thank you. thank you. I love you" and i cried.

1 spontaneous trip to cape may with my parents. in that special house right by the water. riding bikes through the little town together, spending days at the beach, finn scared of the ocean and it's waves until the very last day when he grabbed his grammy's hand and took off into the water. we watched from the shore laughing and cheering for him.

1 birthday celebration for our 2 year old, finnegan scott.

1 sinkage of an old boat and 1 delivery of a new boat.

1 new baby girl born into the family. your parent's first granddaughter. we said her sweet little mouth reminds us of finn's.

1 trip to oak orchard, just us. first time we went away for 2 nights leaving finn with our parents. i caught that salmon and couldn't hold her up she weighed so much. you laughed at me when i fell asleep on the boat after drinking whiskey.

1 little boy dressed up as benny from the sandlot. walking around the neighborhood eating his new favorite candy, licorice.

1 hard morning when i called you from work and asked you to come home. you were here ten minutes later. dropping whatever you had on your schedule that day to be with me. later the three of us took a nap together and when i woke up you and finn were lying on your sides facing me. the pain i felt earlier seemed small looking at the two of you.

the 4th new year we'll ring in together. last year finn wasn't feeling well and woke up just when the ball was dropping, sleepy and feverish. we took a picture the three of us. i looked at it earlier and he looked like such a baby still. his hair short and fuzzy and his cheeks rounder. he's grown up so much this year.

this year. a new number. 2015 and i'm ready for it. for good, good days. days with the sun in our eyes fishing on the new boat in the summer, finn up front on my lap and you behind us steering towards the fish. or the breaking of winter and our first camping trip. popping up the camper in the driveway before we leave, airing out the staleness of winter, getting ready for nights in the woods again. the day we celebrate a little boy turning three years old. who knows who he will become by then, our strong, delicious little guy. will he still like ninja turtles and cars? will he still call us j and jane some times when he is trying to make a point; "you can't eat that entire cookie, finn" "come on jane! forget about it" he says now, making us laugh. long sundays when we see our families, when you smoke something on your grill and it turns out just the way you'd imagined it would. new projects and adventures and changes. bike rides at sunset. the cool water of the creeks when the salmon spawn and it's our time to fight for them again. warm fires that fill our entire little house. i'm ready for them all. even the days when something in our house will break and i will cry and curse and feel helpless. and you will stay calm and go get your tools. or ice. or whatever it is we may need to fix it. you make things good. i'm ready for all these days. with you.

happy new year, jbird. xoxo

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