grateful

cleaning the basement trying to make room in our little playroom filled with scraps of drawings and paintings. train tracks on the table half built, and cars and trucks dumped out on the floor in a pile, finn standing on his train pretending to save a dog who is trapped in his boat. i organize one bin before finn starts yelling "help, mama! help save the puppy!" and i quit cleaning and pretend to rescue the plastic dog while finn cheers.

writing an email and i hear finn in the living room lining up his guys and saying their names he has given them. "hi flash, are you ready?" he says. "wait for me" he yells as he moves the trash truck to catch up. even when he has himself occupied, and i have a moment to myself, i'm fascinated by his imagination and vision. i spy on him from outside the room, watching his hands and his little legs bent behind his body.

he's done nursing. i went away on a four day trip for training and when i came home i told him that the milk was gone. he asked a couple times after but he was ready. we were ready. but still, moments creep up on the both of us when we think of nursing and i can tell that he misses it. early the other morning he rolled over to me and said "you can't nurse me. i know" and instead i scratched his back and arms, laying in the dark before the sky lightened, the house quiet and warm, our christmas tree lighting up our steps from downstairs.

lately it's been him telling me what his dada is teaching him. while washing his hands he says "dada told me to wash the tops of them first." when going outside, "dada told me to leave my blankie inside so it doesn't get dirty." while eating waffles, "dada told me to cut with my fork like this." it's a new thing, him repeating what he's learned from his dad and i feel a sense of contentment and happiness. i feel so lucky to have the both of them. and i feel lucky that i get to witness their relationship and be a part of it. they have a special bond.

we went on the polar express the other night. a train ride just like the book. a trip to the north pole, hot chocolate and cookies, a visit from santa, a gold train ticket and a silver bell, little friends and cousins singing christmas songs, grandparents smiling for photos, memories to be saved and framed. but the best part of the trip for me, was when they had the kids line up for a parade. i sent finn to the back of the train and watched him as he stood last in line. one by one, each child's name gets called and they walk the train. unsure about what he would do, they called finn's name and he came running out from the back of the train, his arms in front of him moving side to side and his little legs pushing him faster and faster. he was full of pride. i'll never forget his face.

when i thought it couldn't get any better, i looked around for james and saw him standing at the end of the aisle on one side of the train. waving his arms, smiling. "go get dada" i told finn, and he finished the end of the parade running into his dad's arms. giving high fives along the way.

it's christmas. and i'm feeling all kinds of love. for my family. my extended family. my family i was lucky enough to marry into. for my husband. and for my finnegan. and for the ordinary moments that he gives me every day that consume parts of my heart i wasn't sure existed before him.