santa this year

it might be even better now. he's so excited. he understands this year. he knows what's coming because every morning we remove a chain we made with his watercolor scraps i've been saving in the basement. it's easier for him to see that it's coming when he sees the chain getting smaller and smaller.

we were shopping the other day and he saw a watch by the register he wanted. he started asking for it, getting louder and louder. i told him we weren't shopping for ourselves. it's the time when we shop for others. i saw him think for a second and then he changed his voice to sound deeper and said "my name is santa, and I want to give that watch to finnegan" I wanted to laugh and cry.  he ended up getting the five dollar watch.

i love our little house with a tree in the living room. "smell the pine?" finn asked me the other morning.
i thought about when i was five and my mom woke me up in the middle of the night. "lets go look at the tree", she told me and we ran down the steps and laid on the couch in the dark, my mom hugging me, staring at the lit up tree until we fell asleep again. when finn woke up from his nap yesterday i carried him downstairs, closed all the blinds and we laid together on the couch staring at the tree. it's cloudy and gray outside, we haven't seen the sun for weeks, i miss our walks to the playground, and running outside without shoes on, but december has me excited.

at the amish market last week finn noticed a mickey mouse clubhouse canvas painting. he thought it was special until he saw that you push a button and the moon and stars light up in the painting. he lost his mind. he needed it. he wanted it. he yelled and cried for it and i was about to give in and just buy it for him right then. "maybe santa will bring it for you" i said over and over. "no! i'm scared of santa" finn said crying on the way home, his face red and his eyes puffy.

last night, as tradition holds, we had dinner at my brothers and after dinner we heard bells and a knock at the door. in walks santa. last year finn started crying, gripping my shirt tightly- he was going no where near him. this year he smiled and laughed and said "hi santa. merry christmas" santa sat down and i asked finn if he wanted a picture with him. he sat on his lap so still and a little scared, he didn't want to move. we got some photos and when i walked over to him he wrapped his tiny arms around my neck and pressed his face to mine. he had enough.

but before santa left he handed finn a wrapped box. finn smiled and opened carefully to find the mickey mouse light up painting. he was stunned and surprised and still a little nervous. and i wanted to laugh and cry.