thanks, lou

when your almost two year old is feeling a little under-the-weather and you're trying really hard to be a patient mom and your husband has been out of town for work for the last four days and you haven't had much time to yourself and you are trying to make dinner and that little two year old throws himself onto the floor of your kitchen without reasoning or rationalizing and begins to cry and kick his feet..what do you do?

try to talk to him?

he starts crying harder. 

try and pick him up?

his body goes limp.

pretend to walk out the door?

you feel guilty and turn around. 

then it hits you-  music. 

music to calm him, music to distract him, music to remind him of our love and our trust. music to make us better. 

you fumble with the task of juggling your ipod and the almost 30 pound toddler in your arms until you find the right song. and then you hear it. those first breezy guitar chords and the gentle and creamy voice that is lou reed's..

"pa, pa papapa pa, pa pa papapa pa"

your two year old is doing that hiccup breathing thing now, the ones that come after a really good cry and you're trying hard to calm your body from the shock of your wailing and sobbing and he has a little bit of a sweat on his forehead you're wiping off slowly...

"I found a reason to keep living
Oh and the reason, dear, is you
I found a reason to keep singing
Oh and the reason, dear, is you"

your two year old is calming a little. he has his arms around your neck now, his little wrists by your ears. those little wrists you hold when he's watching a show early in the morning. how can wrists be so little, you always wonder with delight.

"Honey, I found a reason to keep living
And you know the reason, dear it's you
And I've walked down life's lonely highways
Hand in hand with myself
And I realized how many paths have crossed between us"

your two year old's head is on your shoulder now. but not facing outward looking around the kitchen, he's facing inward. he has his cheek nestled in the base of your neck, his hot cupcake breath on your skin. your arms are growing tired but you keep swaying, just keep moving to lou's optimism and 

hopefulness.

"Oh I do believe
You're all what you perceive
What come is better that what came before"

he's got his tiny legs wrapped around your belly. he's tucked his arms inside your arms now and he's relaxed and still. he's daydreaming, lost himself in song and looks up at you every so often as if to check that you're still there. you're still the one who is holding him and he isn't floating away even if he feels like it. 

"And you'd better come, come come, come to me
Come come, come to me"

he's smiling now and he's trying to sing along with lou and you, humming the sweetest hums. you put him down when the song ends and he hugs your legs. as if to say he was sorry for losing his cool and temper, as if to say he didn't mean to and it's been a long day and you both miss his dad, and he is only almost two, after all. as if to say thanks. 

he leaves the kitchen and you play the song again. dancing with just lou this time. 

"what comes is better then what came before…"